It was summer. The one you always remember.
Blue skies, sunshine, long days; all the characteristics of that perfect summer you hope for every year.
The tarmac was charred and the pleasant smell of embered charcoal filled the air. Happiness and laughter were abundant; smiling children ran free.
The struggles of the world had seemingly vanished; not a sad face to be seen.
Except for mine.
I was perched atop a rock high above the city’s golden skyline. I was surrounded by nothing but glory. Rolling hills of patchwork green, scattered forests of close knit pine, and a faint hint of civilization; a city, distant on the horizon.
It was perfect, like a picture on the front of a holiday catalogue. You see it and you want it.
I had it. Right in front of my eyes.
I sat on the raw surface of the rock; hours of life giving sunlight had made it warm. I had my mountain bike by side, my closest friend, by far the best way to explore terrain so far out and isolated.
I looked out over the world, this was my world. I peered upon her infinite beauty and her gleaming magnificence and I felt nothing.
No quiet appreciation.
No breathtaking amazement.
No happiness stirring.
And this, this was where my journey began, my real journey.
The natural beauty of this world holds more power than anything on this earth.
More power than the girl so beautiful, etched on to the cover of your magazine. More power than the glorious shine of your new car. More power than the handsomely sculpted walls of the house you like to call home.
This is not real beauty, it is not in its truest form, its created by people who think they know what beauty looks like.
It’s an illusion.
So when I looked upon the world and felt nothing, I had to ask why? Thoughts ran wild in my mind, “This isn’t right, this shouldn’t be, I should be awash with emotion looking out over such magnificence. What has happened to me?”
From that day on a curiosity has begun to reside inside me. And now, even my curiosity has become curious.
At the age of 22 I thought happiness would be rushing through my veins, bleeding out of me. I thought it would be tearing through the seams of my existence. I was young, seemingly free and relatively interesting looking. The latter being just my opinion.
I met a girl I had once literally dreamed about. I had a secure job that brought in some money, and I lived in a nice little house I shared with 2 close friends.
I had been places. I had seen things. 2 amazing months had been spent travelling in Australia the previous year. I had done things. I had lived. I had a taste of what life was like. They say life is supposed to taste sweet but mine was like coffee without sugar; dark and bitter.
From the outside some might say my life looked perfect but from the inside it was never the case, everyday was a struggle.
I felt so empty, I felt dead inside. Something had me pinned down–it sat on me until I could feel nothing–I felt numb.
A beautiful mind devoid of feeling and emotion trapped in an inescapable maze of life.
It was strange because I had everything I could ever need but my curiosity burned ever deep inside me.
I was lost, hopelessly lost. I had no map to navigate my way out of this one. It felt like being stuck in an endless nightmare; waking up is your only exit.
I like to escape sometimes.
Find a high place where no one else dares to tread.
I leave my life behind and for the briefest of moments, I feel something.
An flicker of relief buried far below the surface of my life.
I feel freedom.
For some reason I don’t feel free living my normal life.
I feel trapped and lost and I can’t quite place a finger on why. It’s a mystery that I will find an answer to.
Join me as I journey into the unknown and find my true self and identity.
I will find my way.
I am determined to find out how I can enjoy living every single day. I know its possible. It will be tough and it may take a while but time is on my side; I’ll spend my whole life trying.
When did we stop appreciating just being alive?